Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say as a Specialist Doula, Pt. 2

Last week’s blog introduced this four-part series, “Things you’ll never hear me say as a specialist doula.” As I mentioned in that post, my reason for talking about these things is never to shame or position these things other doulas say as ‘wrong,’ but rather to draw attention to how my birth philosophy is different so that you – someone looking for a birth doula in Calgary – can decide if I’m the right provider for you. As a doula who specializes in supporting families navigating pregnancy after experiencing infertility, loss, birth trauma, or with additional medical complexities, I often find myself having a different framework for thinking about pregnancy and birth than a lot of other doulas. And that’s okay! It’s actually perfect, because some people need/want the support other doulas provide and some people need/want the support that I provide, and having choices to choose from can be empowering. Like most doulas, I want you to find the doula that feels like exactly the right fit for you. With all that in mind, let’s get started with thing #2!

“Birth is natural/beautiful”

For those who have been following along with this blog for some time, you’ll know that I have mixed feelings about talking about birth as a natural phenomenon. Of course it is. It’s something the body is designed to do and often can do without intervention from outside sources. I have nothing but respect for people whose dreams include to have a ‘natural’ birth – free from medical intervention or medication that interferes with their body’s innate system. If this is the kind of birth you want to have, I 100% support you and will do everything in my power to help that happen. However, as I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I worry about what happens when we automatically equate that which is “natural” with the “good.” Here’s what I mean by that: 1) there are plenty of things in this world that are natural but that we prefer to keep our distance from (poisonous plants, venomous animals, natural disasters, death and disease); and 2) there are plenty of reasons why people would want or need intervention in birth and that doesn’t make their births “bad.”

Let’s unpack those a bit further. There are things that sometimes happen in pregnancy and birth that don’t give us the kinds of outcomes we want. For instance, miscarriage is an incredibly common experience and certainly is within the realm of a ‘natural’ process that the body undertakes, mostly when a growing baby has something going on that won’t allow them to lead a full and healthy life. It’s natural, but it also sucks sideways. Nobody wants that to be their story. Likewise, there are natural things that the body does in pregnancy – for instance, changing the way it metabolizes food or alterations in blood volume and blood pressure – that are generally supportive of a healthy pregnancy, but also sometimes run a little amok. Those things aren’t unnatural; they’re things the body naturally does on its own. But they might also be things we want to intervene in because not doing so can have negative consequences on our babies or on ourselves. Most parents would agree that they want to come out of their pregnancy with a healthy baby and a healthy body. Sometimes those outcomes require intervention – that doesn’t make it bad! My point is simply that when we assume that the natural, zero intervention route to having a baby is the only “good” way to have a baby, we end up stigmatizing anyone who has a birth where intervention happens. Sometimes people need or choose interventions to save a life. Sometimes people choose interventions because the intervention is actually the thing that will help them to feel safe and supported given their personal experience. Yes, birth is natural. And even so, we sometimes choose ‘unnatural’ things to support us in our births to get the kinds of outcomes we want or to have an experience that feels right for us. With that said, it is absolutely understandable that people want to avoid interventions that are not necessary and could, themselves, be a source of harm. I’m not ever going to suggest that medical intervention is always ‘good’ either. We know that obstetric violence is a significant cause of birth trauma and there are very good reasons why having a no- or low-intervention birth is the thing that people feel they need to have a good birth. It’s messy. It’s okay that it’s messy and we sometimes need to work together to get to the root of why something does or doesn’t feel supportive so we can plan accordingly. But because it’s messy, that’s why you’re not going to hear me out here saying “birth is natural!” as a way of trying to either minimize people’s normal concerns about the birth process or to dismiss the validity of medical intervention if and when it is needed. There’s a time and place for everything and it pays to be discerning.

Okay, Brooke, but what about “birth is beautiful”? Again… hear me out. It is. Birth is pretty spectacular. There are often moments in my doula career where I’ve been blown away by the power and beauty of birth, my eyes filling with tears of joy as I watch parents meeting their babies on the outside for the first time. This is an experience that I want for literally everyone. It’s a one-of-a-kind experience and every family deserves to feel that their birth was awe-inspiring and beautiful. Trust me, I am committed to doing whatever we can to make that happen. But there is a reason why I don’t typically wax poetic about the beauties of birth when I’m working with clients, and I think it’s worth talking about. Birth isn’t always beautiful. While we never want to scare our clients who are currently pregnant, sometimes birth is scary or sad or complicated. That’s life. That doesn’t mean that experiences of this nature are the norm and that people should be living in fear that their birth experience is going to be terrible. But when we aren’t honest about the fact that sometimes, through no fault of our own, things don’t go how we want them to go, we set people up to feel like there’s something wrong with them or like they failed somehow if something hard happens. Something sad or scary happening in your birth is never your fault. When doulas say, “birth is beautiful” it’s because, for the most part, it really is. I love this job. Every time I support a birth, I feel like I get to be part of a miracle. But when we say “birth is beautiful” in a way that dismisses someone else’s experience or fears, we do people a disservice. Being present for one of life’s most transformative moments means that we need to be honest about the complexity and nuance of birth. That’s how we show up for our birthing clients, regardless of what ends up actually happening in the birthing time. And for people who are coming into a birth experience carrying a little extra worry because they have experienced previous birth trauma or loss or anything else that adds a layer of complexity to how they feel about birth, I want to acknowledge that. Your feelings are valid and we should never be ignoring or dismissing them.

Precious newborn baby feet held in the loving hand of a parent.

So, what do I do instead? One of the things that I focus on a lot is on how we make birth a meaningful experience. How do we create and acknowledge the meaning that birth has for us in our lives. By opening ourselves up to what this transformative time means for us as parents, as individuals, as a family, we get to plan a little differently. Yes, we can still focus on the interventions we do/do not want and yes, we can still focus on the types of things we can control that help to make our birth the most beautiful experience it can be. But we can also talk about what we want to learn and how we want to grow through our birth experiences – something that might change depending on what actually goes down but doesn’t have to. For example, if someone wants to learn through their birth experience that they are strong, that’s something they can learn whether they are able to have an unmedicated, low-intervention birth or whether their birth experience includes unexpected but necessary intervention. What each person feels called to explore and the meaning that a birth will have for each person is completely unique. There is so much potential here. Sometimes, whether things happen how we want them to or not, what we really need from a doula is someone who is able to sit with us in the messiness and help us as we create meaning from whatever we encountered on the journey to birth. I love to support people in this way.

If this sounds like the kind of support that feels right for you and you’re looking for a birth doula in Calgary, you can sign up for a free virtual consultation here and learn more about our birth packages here.