Supports for Pregnancy After Loss
Truth time: Being pregnant after experiencing pregnancy or infant loss is hard. Like, hard hard. It’s not only navigating whatever extra medical care you might require or request to keep you and your next child safe, but also all the mental and emotional ups and downs that you encounter every day. For many parents, it can look like worrying about losing another baby, feeling guilty about being excited or not being excited, navigating what it looks like to hold grief and hope simultaneously, feeling anxious over every symptom of lack of symptoms, and dealing with other people’s feelings and expectations of you during this time. Pregnancy and infant loss can take away your feeling of innocence, your innate belief that everything is going to work out exactly as it should. Pregnancy and infant loss can disrupt your sense of self and trust in your body. And those feelings often continue into a subsequent pregnancy, during a time when people expect you to be feeling happy, excited, and trusting. Pregnancy after loss can be a completely disorienting and isolating time, but it doesn’t have to be. I am a firm believer that doing whatever is necessary to nurture and care for yourself – because you matter regardless of pregnancy outcome – is essential for all parents, but especially those who are coming navigating these extra layers in their journey. Everyone’s experience of this time is unique, and no two people will find the same things supportive, so it can be helpful to know about the diverse range of things you might find helpful during this time of your life. Here is a list of some supports that might help you during your pregnancy after loss and what I love about them.
1. Peer Supports
Infant and pregnancy loss can be an isolating experience. Depending on the stage of pregnancy at which your loss occurs and how open members of your social circle are about their own experiences, it’s not unusual for people to feel a bit like they’re the only person in the world who has lost a baby. Pregnancy loss is often couched in stigma and shame, which results in people hiding or otherwise not discussing their losses. As a result, what we see all around us are seemingly happy families with happy, living babies while we are struggling with our own grief. Peer support groups are a wonderful way of connecting with others who are navigating losses just like your own. Because you are being held and supported by your peers, peer support groups are mostly free to access and go a long way to reducing those feelings of isolation so that you are not sitting in your grief alone. There are peer support groups for parents of different genders or partnership arrangements and for losses of different kinds, which can make it easier to find people whose experiences are similar to yours who can understand you in a way that others simply cannot. Not only are there peer support groups to help you navigate your feelings of loss, there are also specific groups for people who are pregnant again following a loss and needing that right combination of hope and compassionate understanding throughout their pregnancy. Since the COVID-19 pandemic, many peer support groups now run virtually, making them even more accessible to people in smaller or rural communities without in-person supports available.
One such example of a peer support group for loss and pregnancies after loss in Canada is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Centre. Check out their virtual support options here: https://pilsc.org/get-support/peer-group-support/
2. Paid Counselling
While peer support groups are a wonderful option, there are times when you want and need the space to explore the depths of your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences without sharing the space with others who are also navigating loss. Some people also naturally find that the group setting, while life-changing for some people, isn’t a good fit for them personally. A quality counsellor – especially someone who specializes in the perinatal period and is familiar with infant and pregnancy loss – can be an invaluable resource for people on a journey filled with so many emotional ups and downs. Counsellors have different therapeutic modalities they can use to support you during this time, and sometimes you may have to try a few modalities or a few counsellors before you find something that’s the right fit for you. Everyone is different and what helps you feel like you can find peace, healing, and validation throughout your pregnancy might not be the same thing that works for someone else.
For families currently pregnant or trying to become pregnant again after experiencing infant or pregnancy loss in the Halifax area, here are some perinatal mental health counsellors who might be a good fit for you:
Amanda Dupupet with The Centre for Perinatal Counselling - https://perinatalcounselling.org/
Allison Wood with Nest Therapy - https://nesttherapy.ca/
Dr. Stephanie Snow with Hatch Psychology Inc. - https://hatchpsychologyinc.com/
Mercedes Ruiz with The Perinatal Wellness Centre - https://www.theperinatalwellnesscentre.com/counselling
3. Yoga and Meditation
It’s not unusual for people who are currently pregnant after experiencing a loss to feel like they’re trapped in their own minds. It can seem like there are so many things to worry about, control, or to manage so that you can hopefully bring a living and healthy baby home at the end of your pregnancy. While there is nothing that can truly take away all your worries and anxieties, it can be helpful to have tools in our back pocket that help us to set them aside temporarily and come back to the present moment. We cannot predict or control whatever the future may hold in store for us, but when we tune into how we are doing right now, we often realize that we are missing out on all the moments where things might be just fine. Yoga, meditation, and other mind-body practices can be very useful for some people to help them connect to their bodies as they are right now. With practice, we get better and better at returning to the moment. It doesn’t mean that we never experience worry or anxiety, but we can ride those waves with a bit more ease than before. While in-person yoga classes can be a wonderful source of connection and support, it is understandable that some folks currently pregnant after a loss struggle to feel like they fit in in your typical prenatal yoga space. Even if others around you are also on a pregnancy after loss journey, it’s not always talked about in those spaces, which can lead us to jump to conclusions about being the only one. Instead, you may find comfort and solace in perinatal yoga classes designed specifically for situations like yours.
One resource to check out is Bettina Rae’s YouTube channel, where she dedicates lots of space to yoga practices and meditations for people in fertility journeys, currently pregnant, and for those who are managing or have managed losses: https://www.youtube.com/@BettinaRae
4. Books and Podcasts
If reading and/or podcasts are your jam, you may also find them useful on your journey to baby after a previous loss. There’s something about delving into someone else’s story from the privacy and comfort of your own space that can offer a sense of familiarity, solidarity, comfort, and inspiration. These spaces can also serve as valuable resources to hear about how other people have strategically managed the challenges that can arise in these pregnancies – from talking to your doctor and family members to coping tools for you and your partner.
Some possibilities to explore:
Rebirth: The Journey of Pregnancy After a Loss by Joey Miller
Different Baby, Different Story: Pregnancy and Parenting After Loss by Joann O’Leary, Lynnda Parker, Margaret M. Murphy, and Jane Warland
Joy at the End of the Rainbow: A Guide for Pregnancy After a Loss by Amanda Ross-White
Pregnancy After Loss Support: Love Letters to Moms Pregnant After Loss by Emily Long and Lindsey Henke
For podcasts, check out podcasts like The Pregnancy After Loss Podcast and select episodes of podcasts like: The Birth Trauma Mama Podcast (ex: S2E11 – October 8th, 2023), dear NICU mama (ex: S8E20 – July 10, 2024 and S6E14 – April 12, 2023), Australian Birth Stories (ex: episodes 489 and 396) and others.
5. Plant Medicine
Sometimes, when we are going through experiences that challenge us in really profound ways, it pays to think outside the box. Pregnancy after loss can certainly be one of those times where we seek out new ways of tending to ourselves to help us navigate challenges that not everyone has to face. When I’m talking about plant medicine, I actually mean a couple of different things. First, I’m talking about herbal medicines, like teas, tinctures, and supplements. People who are interested in using herbal medicines should connect with a qualified herbalist who can help guide them about options that are safe to use during pregnancy. These tools can help to support our nervous systems, nourish our bodies, and connect with the lineages of people who have come before us who have also navigated loss and the bittersweet journey of pregnancy after a loss. Second, I’m talking about the use of plant and flower essences, which are very, very dilute preparations of plants that capture the vibrational energy of different plants to help support our emotional selves. While it may sound a bit “woo woo,” and is something that I was admittedly very skeptical about myself, plant essences can be incredibly powerful tools for being with and moving through strong emotions. While it is often recommended to consume flower essences, they can also be used in baths or other external preparations for people wishing to avoid even dilute alcohol in pregnancy. Finally, I’m also talking about interacting with plants through gardening, walks in nature, etc. Interacting with nature has demonstrated mental health benefits. For me, there is something about interacting with plants that brings me into relationship with the greater circles of life, death, and regeneration. Watching the cycles that nature goes through reminds us of our own cycles and how, even if we have experienced challenges during our lives, that life is always in process, always changing, and always offering new opportunities for growth and bloom.
One resource for people interested in maybe using plant medicine to support their current pregnancies is Aviva Romm’s website and books: https://avivaromm.com/herbal-medicines-in-pregnancy-safety/
6. A Doula
Not surprisingly, being a doula myself, I’m a strong believer that every pregnant person should have access to the care and support a doula can provide them. It’s a powerful thing to be able to form a relationship with a knowledgeable, trusted person who can walk alongside this journey with you. A doula can provide you with informational support that can help you along the way (as I have done with this blog post, for example) but can also listen to and validate your feelings, help you plan for what you want for your birth, and use all the tricks and tools they have to help you navigate the birth of this child you’re currently expecting. Birth doulas like me, who specialize in supporting people in pregnancies after loss, can also help you think about whether and how you’d like to honour the baby you lost as you navigate another pregnancy, hold space for the uncertainty that comes with this time, and help you settle into the next stage of your parenting journey when your baby arrives knowing that a mix of emotions is normal and expected.
If you’d like to learn more about my birth support packages for families in Halifax, Nova Scotia, click here: https://www.beltanebirth.ca/birth-doula-support
As September draws to a close, we are approaching Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Stay tuned for special, dedicated blog posts on this topic!